Behold the Cheeto

Is there anything more delectable than a Cheeto, save a whole bag of Cheetos? It is a perfect combination of salt, crunch (I prefer the fried Cheetos), cheesiness and a triumph of food chemistry. There are at least 30 ingredients, and likely more, as one of the ingredients is listed as “natural and artificial flavors.”

Being a Cheetophile is much like being an oenophile (wine lover, for you peasants). There are 21 varieties of Cheetos in North America alone, many more globally (apparently a cream cheese variant in China). Like wine, you begin your evaluation by observing the color. Cheetos have Red Dye 40, Yellow 6 and Yellow 5 — the combination of dyes yielding the rather violent orange color. When tasting the Cheeto, a sophisticated palate such as mine will apprehend the subtle notes of monosodium glutamate, sodium diacetate, disodium inosinate and disodium guanylate. I’ve noticed that certain Cheeto factories go a little cheap on the thiamine mononitrate, instead pumping up the cheaper ferrous sulfate and niacin. Disappointing on my erudite tongue.

There are four categories that can be applied to foods. There are the unprocessed, such as potatoes you pull out of the ground or huckleberries right off the bush. Next are the minimally processed, such as milk or butter. Processed foods are things like cold cuts (I found out that a deli roast beef loaf probably comes from five different cows) and canned vegetables. The ultra processed category are foods that are totally engineered — those are your Fruit Loops, Cheetos and a lot of popular drinks. Mountain Dew is not a health food.

Apparently, ultra processed foods aren’t good for you. The usual maladies associated with anything fun or tasty — cancer, diabetes, heart disease — are more common in a diet with ultra processed foods. These goodies are hyperpalatable, a most excellent word, which means that they are chemically designed to push all our munchie buttons. So not only are they uber tasty, but you can also eat them fast, thus packing in enormous caloric loads effortlessly. All this seems obvious — pork out and die.

But apparently there are negative effects of ultra processed foods apart from the fat and sodium and carbs. The very long list of additives in Cheetos has been exhaustively tested and have been presumed safe. It is a bit mysterious as to why ultra processing seems to be deleterious. On the other hand, a completely processed food is yogurt, beloved by the spandex soccer moms who view Cheetos as nutritional porn.

I am not a nutrition fanatic. My one true faith is total caloric intake. All diets are the same — low carb, low fat, paleo, Mediterranean — if you burn more calories than you eat the magic happens. Two of the great delights in life — rib eye and buttered cinnamon rolls — can be happily consumed if you don’t eat for a week after.

Food, eating and nutrition must be one of the most mythologized areas of life. Everyone, whether a scientist or your bartender, has ideas about what is healthy or yummy. What adds to the confusion is that the “truth” seems to change every few years, the prime example being eggs.

Even as a perpetual skeptic, I am intrigued by the research regarding ultra processed foods. I am not suggesting you go outside and graze your lawn, but it seems the closer your food is to the original, the better. The closer your caloric intake is to your expenditure, the less you must suck it in to button your pants.

So it is goodbye to Cheetos, unless, of course, they come out with a huckleberry Cheeto.