Please vote for me

Greetings from the Chesapeake Bay. We have been working our way up through Virginia, now Maryland, through the lands of earliest English exploration, American Revolution, Civil War and other scrimmages/wars/skullduggery that created this country. Last week we visited the very battlefield at Yorktown, where English General Cornwallis blew a fourth quarter lead and surrendered to George Washington.

All this history has filled me with patriotic fervor, a desire to give back to honor all the sacrifices made to secure our freedom. I want to be like Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Nixon and others that signed the Declaration of the Constitution.

I've decided to do my duty and run for office.

Now I realize the primary is June 4, and I didn't get around to actually filing for any particular office, given the NFL playoffs, March Madness and a legal misunderstanding regarding some alimony and child support. So I'm not on the ballot, but would appreciate your write-in vote. I haven't quite narrowed down which position I would be running for, so just write me in for all of them, except maybe the sewer district, and I will pick the best one, especially if there is an airplane or at least a nice truck involved.

My qualifications are many. I served in the super-secret Walruses Special Forces unit in Vietnam during the Tet offensive. Cynics have suggested that there is no such unit as the Walruses, but obviously if it is super-secret, they wouldn't have heard of it. Duh. They point out that if I was born in 1957, I would have been 11 years old at the time, so that just goes to show you that Great Men will always be the target of the ankle biters.

I can relate to the working man, having had many jobs, some as long as six weeks, and any executive or legislative body will benefit from my extensive experience with the unemployment agencies.

The questionnaire I was supposed to fill out, and didn't quite get around to, asked me about which party I was in. Being a youngish and vigorous specimen, I can certainly handle more than one party, often two or three in a night, especially if there is a keg of Pabst and chili cheese dogs.

I keep hearing about politicians and cognitive function. I am a little hazy on the word "cognitive," which I suspect has something to do with cogs, but as long as I take that fiber supplement every night, I don't find cogs to be a problem.

When asked about my platform, well I said I use 2x6's with 2x10 joists on metal hangers. The guy gave me a funny look, which goes to show you that the electorate in general doesn't know much about anything. I will be forced to dumb things down.

I have a great campaign manager, who is now formulating our advertising strategy, since he has some time on his hands. He'll be out in September. He was a highly successful bond salesman, at least until he sold some to a federal agent, with said bonds having ink that was a teeny bit wet. Anyway, he said it doesn't matter what I think about anything, all you have to do is attack the other guy. Call him an out-of-state dark money puppy kicker and there you go.

But I will promise to fight for you - I will lower taxes, cut spending, preserve Medicare, fatten Social Security, double defense spending and bring enough pork home to season a tanker full of baked beans. As for social issues, the guys at Liquid Louie's will tell you I am very social, although sometimes after 10 p.m. I seem to end up in the parking lot.

Our democracy will only survive if we participate, if we vote, which I've always intended to do. I sincerely appreciate your vote, especially since my opponent, who is yet unspecified, is likely a perfectly horrible person, upon whom we will have a backhoe's worth of dirt come November.

Be assured that this process brings forth only the Best and the Brightest, as I would humbly submit.