When We Change

By Ken Silvestro, PhD

There is a sense that the earth we stand on is becoming soft and muddy, that the foundation on which we function each day now has holes or is not solid. The feeling is one of walking on a cloud. There is nothing firm about our standpoints. Usually, this feeling or sensation is temporary but it's always disturbing. What is happening?

It is our egos (our sense of identity or I-ness) that is undergoing a change. The ego anchors us in the world and is closely associated with our consciousness (awareness); therefore, one's ego helps orient a person's I- ness to life, to one's sense of identity, and to other people.

This kind of change is not simple or small, as when we decide to change our morning routine and drink tea instead of coffee or change the type of breakfast we eat. Changes that make us feel like we're not walking on solid ground are related to deep and serious concerns. Changing addictive behaviors or how we are in personal relationships are examples of serious concerns that affect a person's I-ness and sense of knowing oneself.

When we make fundamental changes in our beliefs about ourselves due to experiencing the death of a loved one, a divorce or receiving a negative health diagnosis, major ego shifts are occurring. Of course, being traumatized as a child and addressing the trauma at some point in life requires ego shifts, too, which are often accompanied by this sensation of being lost.

So, what is happening? One's ego sinks into the unconscious (our hidden psychology), becoming less connected to consciousness. For example, you might think you're a kind, considerate person, only to discover that you are aggressive, angry and problematic. Shifting your ego to admit and accept your aggressiveness, followed by changing your ego's aggressive ways, produces the experiences I'm describing. These kinds of admissions and acceptances, or changes, take time, as your ego slips into the unconscious. Feeling lost, not solid, follows, staying with you for a while.

This is known as the night sea journey.

A serious, in-depth psychotherapy also brings forth big changes and ego shifts. These are natural occurrences, each lasting for a while, recurring several times during the therapeutic process. Although these shifts and changes indicate a positive development, one still feels lost in, and disconnected from, life with each experience.

After each major change in one's ego position, an ego reconstruction occurs, and the foundation becomes solid again. We no longer feel like we're walking on a cloud, but our sense of I-ness and ego-consciousness are now different.