Make the choice, be a lifeline

SEELEY LAKE – "In the superhero books and movies you have your villain and your hero. Both of their lives started out in tragedy. The villain takes his tragedy and he is angry and he is mad and he wants other people to feel pain so he causes more tragedy. But that superhero, he takes that pain and says I don't want people to go through this so he goes out and saves people and he is a hero," said Joe Danzer, Search Coordinator with The Lifeguard Group. Danzer lost both his parents by the age of six, was abused as a child and embraced a life of alcohol and drugs until someone was a lifeline to help him become the superhero he dreamed of being as a kid. "You can be the villain or you can be a hero. You get to choose."

The Lifeguard Group, a Missoula-based non-profit that fights human trafficking, encouraged the fifth through eighth grade students, teachers and parents at Seeley Lake Elementary to make some tough choices during The Lifeline Assembly Dec. 3.

First they asked them to resist the temptation of unhealthy behaviors including alcohol, drugs, addiction to their phone and sharing nude photos or sexual videos. If they are already making unhealthy choices, they were given permission to reach out to someone they trust and ask for help.

For those who see someone that is not acting like themselves, they were encouraged to pay attention and be a lifeline. They were asked to be willing to "step in the mess" and reach out, listen and walk with them through it.

"It is real and it was raw," said SLE Counselor Toni Sexton. "The students needed to hear it and the parents needed to hear it."

Missoula County Sheriff's Office Chaplain Lowell Hochhalter and his wife Tami founded The Lifeguard Group around four years ago. They are a group of experts committed to an aggressive, comprehensive approach to taking the fight to human trafficking using four pillars: respond, rescue, restore and revive. The Lifeline assembly is one of the many trainings they offer to schools and communities.

SLE Superintendent Josh Gibbs said they reached out to The Lifeguard Group to help cover these topics of addiction, sexual exploitation and online predators.

"We feel like because we are in a small town, we are removed from these problems but we are not," Gibbs said. "That was the big thing."

Sexton was instrumental in bringing in the group. She said the goal was awareness – awareness about technology, social media, apps and gaming and the predators that come with it.

"I don't have enough information in my wheelhouse on games and what to look for as a parent," Sexton said. "This is hopefully bringing information home to parents. Parents can communicate with their kids about technology, gaming and how to stay safe."

The students and parents in attendance listened to stories about loss, abandonment, abuse, addiction, wearing a mask to hide the pain and sexual exploitation.

"It is normal to hurt. It is normal to be in tough times. But what is not normal is when you find unhealthy ways to cope," Lowell said.

SSHS graduate Jamie Rindal shared her story about "wearing a mask" and losing herself in the process.

"The theme in my life was I'm fine, you don't need to worry about me and I will wear my mask so you don't think to ask any questions," Jamie said.

She kept herself busy, had to be everything to everyone and convinced herself she needed to hold it together to be strong for everyone else. Her family was torn apart by addiction and loss. When she needed to take off the mask and let others in, she instead chose to wear her mask permanently. It took her a long time to take it off.

Jamie told the students to find a good adult or friend, someone that they know personally and can trust and "you let your guard down and you let them in because truly you can't do it by yourself...you are stronger than you think you are, you are more capable than you think you are and by letting someone in to walk along side of you, it will help you more than you think it will."

Jamie told the seventh and eighth graders that addiction is a cover up for something that is going on in the inside, something they are trying to numb, forget or get away from.

"You need to come look face to face in the mirror and ask what am I running from and what am I trying to cover up? And in that same moment you go to the safe person and tell them I'm struggling, I'm having a hard time and I need you to walk with me," Jamie said. "If they are a safe person, they will not be mean to you, they will not make you feel dumb for saying that, they will say thank you for coming to me and let's take that first step."

Lowell said the drugs have changed since he grew up. There are scientific studies that show that when people sit down behind their computer, their mind begins to change.

"You don't think straight, you don't act straight and you do things you would never do," Lowell said.

The Lifeguard Group shared a video of an underage girl making a video of herself undressing and sending it to someone she had never met. She thought she could trust the person she sent it to, instead it was someone who used it to exploit her.

"I own you now" were the words in the chat demanding more videos.

Instead of reaching out for help, the girl continued to get sucked in until she took her own life.

"It is just one picture, just one little thing I'm going to say," Lowell told the students. "Pretty soon it is a spiral that takes you...just like the drug in a bottle and the drug in a syringe. It takes you down further than you ever thought you would go and keeps you longer than you ever intended to stay and makes you do things you said you would never do."

Lowell said to resist if they have things on their phone, if they have things on their computer or are in conversations with people they don't know.

"I'm begging you, don't just shut it off," Lowell said. "You have to tell somebody."

The last story told was shared by a young Missoula woman named Britney. She was raped at age 13-years-old by and older man. She left home at age 17-year-old for a boyfriend that was physically and emotionally abusive. At age 19 she met a man nine years older "no one have ever given me the attention that he did." After a few months, he told her that she was going to start "escorting, going on dates with older men for money and that is all it would be. But that is not all that it was."

Every three months she had to get tested at a Walk-in Clinic. At the appointments, she wished that someone would have asked if she was okay because she would have said no. When her family asked, she put on the mask and said she was fine. She tried to leave several times, but he was emotionally abusive and threatened her family. After eight and a half years, he was arrested and is now in jail.

"I'm doing this today because I have an almost 10-year-old niece and I don't want her to go through what I went through," Britney said.

Lowell introduced Britney's dad to the group and said he was one of the lifelines in the beginning and he is still there for her today. "Thank you for being a dad."

Lowell asked the parents to set aside the fear, hurt and anger that comes with being told "about the mess" and instead embrace it. Tell their child or youth that confides in them that they will be brave together and keep the line of communication open.

Carson Hochhalter, The Lifeguard Group's student outreach director, told the students they aren't a nark or a snitch if they say something to a trusted adult to help a friend or classmate. Instead, he gave them permission to be the lifeline in someone's life – whether that means confronting them, going to a teacher, reaching a hand out and pulling them out of that situation that they find themselves in or simply offering a smile to brighten someone's day and tell them they matter.

"Why didn't anyone say anything when she started dressing differently or acting strange, when she started pushing away from her friends or talking to people she shouldn't be talking to, putting herself in situations that aren't safe, aren't healthy," Carson said.

Lowell added when someone says they are "fine" read their body language and look in their eyes. Take that extra minute and ask, "Are you sure because something seems different?"

If someone is brave enough to share, Lowell said take their hand, offer to walk with them and support them. Without this support the spiral continues and the mess gets harder and harder to clean up.

"I want you to be a part," Lowell said. "Everybody needs to be a lifeline and everyone needs a lifeline."

"You have two choices. You can either be the victim or the victor – you have the choice on how you are going to make it through," Jamie said. "Today is your day to say I don't want to be on the Internet like this anymore, I don't want to talk to so and so, I don't want to get myself into that, I don't want to do this anymore. Today is the day that is going to get better. But you have to make that choice."

Following the large group assembly, The Lifeguard Group talked to the individual classes. Gibbs felt this conversation made staff more aware of things going on that may require follow-up with counseling or additional educational resources.

Sexton said in their classrooms they ended with understanding where their personal web of support was.

"They know where their connections are – who their web of support is and when they need something they need to let us know," Sexton said. "I wish we could read minds but we can't."

Sexton encourages parents, if they haven't already, to start a conversation with their children about the topics that were covered at the assembly.

"It starts with an open conversation with your child. The moment you say, 'I need to see your phone' the defense goes up," Sexton said. "Instead ask about the assembly, what they learned, big open-ended questions that could lead to something more in depth."

The Lifeguard Group offered several suggestions about how to do more to help:

• Start with the little things: A smile at someone when no one else does, give them a hand up, ask them what is wrong if you can tell that something is off.

• Recognize red flags of trafficking victims: Multiple cell phones, change style and clothes they wear, push away from friends or activities that they love, pull away from the friend groups and isolating themselves, hanging out and talking with older people.

• Do little things consistently.

• Check in on your peers.

• Be present and engaged in everyday life.

• Learn more from the resources on the website

• Stick together

• Pay attention to one another, don't ignore someone because they aren't a friend.

• Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

To learn more about The Lifeguard Group and the resources they offer visit https://thelifeguardgroup.org/