Seven things survivors of relationship violence taught me

In my early twenties, I worked for a non-profit for survivors of relationship violence and their families. Each survivor I worked with taught me something new about relationship violence and the journey to freedom from violence. In honor of all survivors of domestic violence, I wanted to share what they taught me:

1. Domestic violence can mean many different things. Relationship violence includes:

• Physical abuse including slapping, shoving, kicking, hair-pulling, choking, throwing objects, etc.,

• Sexual assault including any kind of unwanted sexual contact, including with persons unable to give consent due to intoxication,

• Sexual abuse which is any sexual contact with a minor),

• Verbal abuse including name-calling and shaming.

• Psychological abuse including non-physical acts that cause fear, such as blaming, constant criticism, intimidation, manipulation and controlling who you see.

2. Domestic violence happens to people of all kinds including teenagers and adults, men and women. One in nine men experience domestic violence.

3. Recognizing domestic violence is challenging, in part due to abuse cycles. Intimate partners may cycle between abusive behaviors and affectionate behaviors (i.e., apologizing, giving gifts, affirming their love). Swinging between abuse and affection makes it difficult to recognize you are being harmed. Realizing and accepting a loved one is hurting you is no simple task.

4. Some survivors start to think that they deserve abuse or are to blame. Those thoughts are never true. No one deserves abuse. And yet, those blaming and negative thoughts make it even more difficult to break out of the harmful cycle of abuse.

5. Children and teens are harmed, too. Even children and teens that do not witness abuse, but live in homes where domestic violence occurs, experience long-term consequences including: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, poor grades, bullying behaviors, difficulty feeling empathy and difficulty forming positive relationships.

6. Survivors need support. Disentangling oneself from relationship violence is painful, scary and hard. Many are not able to break cycles of abuse alone.

Sometimes we can support our loved ones by providing a shoulder to cry on or a couch to sleep on. Sometimes our loved ones may need or benefit from professional help. Mental health care providers are trained in supporting and empowering survivors and offer private and safe places to explore how to best support someone in a tough spot. Seeking help can be frightening and an important step to take towards getting out of the abuse cycle. Contact the Healthy Relationships Project for free counseling services at 406-546-0016.

7. No two people experience domestic violence or survive domestic violence in the same way. Every person that experiences domestic violence has unique needs and unique circumstances. Therefore, every person’s journey will be unique to them. If you are experiencing relationship violence, or know someone who is, I hope that you are able to access the support you need to take a step towards breaking out of the cycle and towards a freer, happier life.