Building a foundation for lasting relationships

"It is not the survival of the fittest, it is the survival of the most nurtured," Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D

Today I would like to share the evidence-based research on marriage from world renowned researchers John Gottman, Ph.D. and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.  As I sought to research the topic of successful romantic partnerships, I was impressed by how frequently these two leading thinkers were cited.  Their work covers many different forms of romantic relationships beyond marriage and is appropriate for people who come from many different cultures and identities.

The Gottmans break down successful romantic partnerships using three key concepts:

1. Love Maps:  How many open-ended questions do you ask your partner each day?  Questions like these help you and your partner to understand each other's interests, passions and dreams.  This is an ongoing process and is very nurturing to an essential component of your relationship, the friendship you share with your partner.

2. Fondness and Admiration:  The Gottmans' research shows that small acts (the little things!) are integral to the health of a relationship.  It was once said that, "It is not love's going that hurts my days, it is that it went in little ways." 

The Gottmans encourage us to keep an eye on the little things like compliments, praise, a smile across the room or a thoughtful and unexpected act.  These little acts can help build up an "emotional bank account" which is helpful in creating resilience in the relationship for when adversity or other challenges arise.

3. Turning Toward:  This is a term used by the Gottman's to describe how we honor our partners with focused attention.  It may appear to be a small thing but when a mate makes a comment or observation, simply turning toward them in a way that shows our intention to listen and connect deeply can make all the difference.

The above three points from John and Julie Gottman are useful steps that all of us can use in our partnerships.  These points speak to their discoveries around the foundation to lasting relationships.