Controlling Personalities

I think we all know what it means to control a situation or a pet. Basically, it means the person expressing control dominates through commands, ideas, behaviors and aggression. And control can be applied externally and internally-in relationships and individually.

Since we possess consciousness, that is awareness, we have a natural need to control the events in our lives and ourselves. Conscious control enables us to produce order, organize, be disciplined and dictate our free wills.

For example, people who are ill often attempt to be willful, trying to control how and when they heal. Superstition is another example. Superstitious people try to appease or control the events in their lives, using ritual and superstitious beliefs. We express our natural, conscious control in many ways but this can become a problem when too much control or domination over oneself or other people occurs.

If a person tends to be over-controlling, then most likely she/he will experience psychological and/or relationship problems. Obviously, when someone dominates or controls another person's daily decisions and the overall interactions in a relationship, there will be tension between the two people. Since everyone naturally attempts to control much of her/his life, when two people share a life each person will attempt to naturally control the shared life. Typically this begins in gentle ways, usually by helping the other person with tasks and decisions, but over time, the helpfulness transforms into control. The relationship becomes one-sided because one person then dominates the other person in a variety of ways.

It is possible for relationships to develop in such a way that each person controls different areas of the relationship. The typical stereotype in our society is that men control decisions about work and money and women control domestic or home-based decisions. When people in relationship comply with this stereotype, the social roles and rules help them reduce the tensions but this doesn't mean that each person is content with the stereotype or that a healthy relationship follows.

Healthy relationships involve flexibility, discussion and openness, meaning all relationship decisions and directions are shared between the two people. As you might imagine, this is not easy to do on a daily basis. Both people must be willing to change from their natural controlling ways to one of negotiation, understanding of the other person and genuine caring for the other person's autonomy and well-being. These healthy characteristics can also be applied to relationships between groups and even countries!

Control, like any other psychological characteristic, can be beneficial or problematic. One-sided dominant control, however, breeds problems!